What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 06:56
She wouldn,t have been !
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She found it foreign!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I will be 64.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Especially a lifetime of it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why do narcissists avoid talking about the real issues?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She was in good health!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I write beautiful poetry .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was scared of men, in general
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One cannot live in the past .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But ive been too sick for many years..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I don,t even have a pension.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So whats the point in blame.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We were not on the streets..
He knew the spot.
When she asked me how she looked .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
This is soul school!.
But, we were locked up after school.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Put me off passion for life!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
It was going to be , some day.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Ive learnt so much.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She loved him until the end.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i do to all so called friends.?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Would this be the day?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I did it because my mum asked me too!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I think the readers, may guess!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She married twice! .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And i lived it daily.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was 9 years of age.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Comes on , in middle age.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I could never make a relationship work though!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My family never makes their pension either.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Who then, do I blame.?
I said to her
I was seconnd youngest,
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I couldn’t, believe it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im still living with it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
What did i know ?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I waited trembling.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was very sick at this time too.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He resisted the act ,that day.
We all went to grammer schools
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
All the time i was locked up.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My life is so biszare .
So, i spoilt her more .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But it wasn’t much.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I have no regrets .